The end of any marriage comes with a variety of struggles and challenges. Seeking a divorce is a difficult decision for adults to make, and coming to terms with a split is different for everyone. Unfortunately, all too often, children are also affected when a marriage ends. In these cases, parents must navigate the tough road ahead to ensure the best possible outcomes for themselves and also for their children.
One of the most common things parents struggle with is guilt
and fear of how a divorce will impact the lives of their children. Kids depend
on their parents for feelings of security, and it is normal for your child to
feel scared or confused as they see their parents in emotional turmoil. Children
can misinterpret the cause of the turmoil. Often, kids will assume
responsibility for their parents split and feel guilty, or they may make
efforts to try and reunite their parents only to feel as if they failed later. They
can even learn to manipulate their parents and use the divorce to their
advantage. Here are a few ways you can tell if your child is struggling:
Regression
Younger children who are struggling to cope with divorce may
regress to behavior that they had previously outgrown. You may notice your
child doing things such as seeking comfort items they have already set aside, using
babytalk, or throwing frequent temper tantrums. You may also notice increased
anxiety with younger children who struggle to be separated from you.
Older children can also regress, albeit in different ways.
It is easy to confuse normal teen mood swings with a child who is struggling to
accept their parents’ divorce. Be on the lookout for increased volatility with
their emotions. Teens who struggle with divorce will often become more
aggressive or irritable or begin to withdraw and isolate from others.
Increased Irrational Fears
If your child begins to show fear where they normally
wouldn’t, it could be because they are having a tough time with your divorce.
Young children may show increased fear when they go to bed each night or be
scared to travel. If you notice your child avoiding activities which they
normally enjoy such as riding bicycles because they are afraid of possible
injury – these are signs that your child’s sense of stability is in turmoil.
Academic or Behavioral Issues
Children struggling with divorce may begin to see their
grades slip or act out more at school. These are common issues stemming from
increased aggression and an inability to focus.
Decreased Socialization and Self-Esteem
If your child uses social media, keep an eye on their feed.
Notice how they interact with their friends, if you see they are interacting
less, it could be a good indicator that your child is withdrawing from their
social circle. Additionally, if a teenager who previously posted frequently
suddenly stops, this could be a sign of withdrawal or a decrease in their
self-esteem. Inversely, one who suddenly begins posting often when they
normally don’t could be seeking attention for similar reasons. Be on the
lookout for any sudden changes in online behavior.
Offline, take note of how your child is spending their free
time. It is important that kids of any age are spending time with their peers
and developing socially. Be wary if their friend circle suddenly changes or
they begin to get in trouble outside the home.
Playing the Households Against One Another
Prior to your separation, your children lived under one set
of household rules and one set of expectations.
Due to the split, the children now must navigate being parented without
that unity. Many children who are old
enough to tell a lie are old enough to manipulate this situation to their
advantage, claiming “Mom lets me do it at her house,” or “Dad says I don’t have
to listen to you.” Other children recognize the tension between the two
households and end up unintentionally fueling the fire by telling each of their
parents what the child thinks the parents want to hear. This results in
the child downplaying the amount of fun they had at the other parent’s house,
exaggerating the anger the other parent showed at a bad grade, or even telling
a parent that they want to live with them only. As a result, parents who fail
to communicate end up mistrusting one another to an even more significant
degree because they fail to recognize that the child is reporting false
information in both households.
Emotions may be running high between you and your former
partner during a divorce, and it is natural to attempt to parent separately and
reduce fighting. However, as contact becomes more manageable and you are able
to safely interact with your soon to be ex-spouse, it can be easier to work
cooperatively when it comes to scheduling and making big decisions. If you can
work together this will also help your child ease into any new routines while
still feeling a semblance of the stability they are used to. Here are some additional
tips to help a child cope during this time:
Communicate Together
This may not be possible in every situation, but if you and
your partner can inform your child about the divorce from a unified front, it
is the best way to help prepare them for impending transitions. Either way, you
should communicate what is happening as early as practicable. Kids are very in
tune with their parents’ emotions, and they can detect potential strife even if
you are doing your best to hide it. Rather than letting them draw their own
conclusions about what may be wrong, calmly communicate with them by taking
time to make sure they can ask any questions they may have.
Let Them Be Sad
It is very tempting to paint the divorce as a difficult, but
happy situation. As an adult you are accustomed to making the best out of a bad
situation, and it is most likely true that ending a bad partnership will
benefit everyone in the long run. However, for your child this is an extremely
sad, frustrating, and confusing time in their life. Encourage them to feel
those big emotions so they can properly assess and come to terms with them on
their own time.
Do Not Rely on Your Child for Support
You love your children, and this is a difficult time. It is
natural to want to rely on them for emotional support, and you should do
everything you can to ensure you are receiving the support you need – but not
from your children. Draw strength from their love, but get your support from
friends, other family members, and professional guidance if needed. Do not
complain about your ex in front of the kids, and do not use children as a
method to relay messages. Your children should be relying on you for support,
not the other way around.
Set Structure
While moving back and forth between two parents and
different household is stressful for a child, it can be less so if you ensure
they have similar rules and expectations within both places. Work with your ex
to set the same bedtimes, chores, and consequences for misbehavior.
Additionally, do your best to not cancel or change plans at the last minute.
Keeping routines will help your child adapt the best way possible to a changing
lifestyle. If your child struggles with structure—such as an ADHD child—consider
keeping transition periods to a minimum.
Encourage a Good Relationship with Both Parents
Your divorce may be bitter, and it will likely be difficult
to view your ex in a positive light. However, children deserve to come through
their parents’ divorce with both parental relationships intact. If your ex is
committed to being a good-enough parent, do your best to view them solely as a
fellow caretaker of the children you raised together and encourage their
continued contributions to this important job. Children should never feel like
they must choose between two parents or hide things from them. Ensure that your
child does not feel as though they have to hide funny stories or happy
experiences that they have with your ex. Eventually, the bitterness between the
two of you will fade, and those funny stories that your children share with you
will be your reward for having steered them through this difficult time with
both parental relationships intact.
Find a Good Counselor
If your child is reporting concerning things that are
occurring in the other parent’s household—but those reports do not rise to the
level of child abuse or neglect—consider getting your child into counseling
with a qualified therapist. First, the
therapist can help provide your child with the tools to help them navigate the
divorce and deal with their big feelings.
Second, the therapist will act as an impartial third party to whom your
child can confide about how they feel about the changes they are going through
without worrying about hurting either parent’s feelings. They can tell the therapist what they really
think about Mom’s new boyfriend or the fact Dad has refused to take them to
their extracurricular activities during his periods of possession. It may come out during counseling that the
boyfriend is an asset in the child’s life and that the extracurricular
activities aren’t as important to your child as they were when the child was
younger. Third, if something is going on
at the other parent’s house that alarms the therapist, they can tell you and
alert the authorities if necessary. Even
children who sail smoothly through their parents’ divorce should give
counseling a try, if only to make them more likely to seek out counseling later
as adults if faced with another life crisis.
Above all, do not be afraid to ask for help when needed. Ask
your divorce attorney for references if you feel you could benefit from
counseling or a peer support group. The more your take care of yourself and
take responsibility to learn how to best navigate life, the more you will be
able to give the same care to your children. If your child knows how much you
care for them and are committed to always being a foundation for them, you are
already heading in the appropriate direction to raising healthy and happy
humans.
Jenkins
& Kamin LLP cares about their clients and wants every stage of their
divorce to go as smoothly and favorably as possible. They are committed to
helping you throughout your case and beyond by providing resources and legal
counseling to help you begin your new life in the best position.
Jenkins
& Kamin LLP is noted for its “team” approach by pairing skilled attorneys,
paralegals, and other support staff to enhance each client’s experience in
difficult life transitions.
In addition
to the “team” approach, Jenkins & Kamin LLP strives to personalize case
strategies for each individual client, including identification of particular
legal issues and effective explanation of the law concerning those issues. The
firm endeavors to achieve a resolution that is appropriate for each client,
while aggressively advocating on their behalf when necessary. Having a
dedicated and experienced team working with you in any family law matter is of
utmost importance to achieve the best result possible.
Jenkins
& Kamin LLP represents clients in the following aspects of family law
practice: Marital Property Agreements, Divorce, Complex Property Issues, Child
Custody & Visitation, Child Support, Parentage, Modifications, Domestic
Violence Issues, Family Law Appeals, and Dispute Resolution Alternatives. To
learn more about the firm, visit http://www.jenkinskamin.com or
contact one of the offices in the greater Houston area.
