Helping Your Child Cope with Divorce

 The end of any marriage comes with a variety of struggles and challenges. Seeking a divorce is a difficult decision for adults to make, and coming to terms with a split is different for everyone. Unfortunately, all too often, children are also affected when a marriage ends. In these cases, parents must navigate the tough road ahead to ensure the best possible outcomes for themselves and also for their children.

One of the most common things parents struggle with is guilt and fear of how a divorce will impact the lives of their children. Kids depend on their parents for feelings of security, and it is normal for your child to feel scared or confused as they see their parents in emotional turmoil. Children can misinterpret the cause of the turmoil. Often, kids will assume responsibility for their parents split and feel guilty, or they may make efforts to try and reunite their parents only to feel as if they failed later. They can even learn to manipulate their parents and use the divorce to their advantage. Here are a few ways you can tell if your child is struggling:

Regression

Younger children who are struggling to cope with divorce may regress to behavior that they had previously outgrown. You may notice your child doing things such as seeking comfort items they have already set aside, using babytalk, or throwing frequent temper tantrums. You may also notice increased anxiety with younger children who struggle to be separated from you.

Older children can also regress, albeit in different ways. It is easy to confuse normal teen mood swings with a child who is struggling to accept their parents’ divorce. Be on the lookout for increased volatility with their emotions. Teens who struggle with divorce will often become more aggressive or irritable or begin to withdraw and isolate from others.

Increased Irrational Fears

If your child begins to show fear where they normally wouldn’t, it could be because they are having a tough time with your divorce. Young children may show increased fear when they go to bed each night or be scared to travel. If you notice your child avoiding activities which they normally enjoy such as riding bicycles because they are afraid of possible injury – these are signs that your child’s sense of stability is in turmoil.

Academic or Behavioral Issues

Children struggling with divorce may begin to see their grades slip or act out more at school. These are common issues stemming from increased aggression and an inability to focus.

Decreased Socialization and Self-Esteem

If your child uses social media, keep an eye on their feed. Notice how they interact with their friends, if you see they are interacting less, it could be a good indicator that your child is withdrawing from their social circle. Additionally, if a teenager who previously posted frequently suddenly stops, this could be a sign of withdrawal or a decrease in their self-esteem. Inversely, one who suddenly begins posting often when they normally don’t could be seeking attention for similar reasons. Be on the lookout for any sudden changes in online behavior.

Offline, take note of how your child is spending their free time. It is important that kids of any age are spending time with their peers and developing socially. Be wary if their friend circle suddenly changes or they begin to get in trouble outside the home.

Playing the Households Against One Another

Prior to your separation, your children lived under one set of household rules and one set of expectations.  Due to the split, the children now must navigate being parented without that unity.  Many children who are old enough to tell a lie are old enough to manipulate this situation to their advantage, claiming “Mom lets me do it at her house,” or “Dad says I don’t have to listen to you.” Other children recognize the tension between the two households and end up unintentionally fueling the fire by telling each of their parents what the child thinks the parents want to hear. This results in the child downplaying the amount of fun they had at the other parent’s house, exaggerating the anger the other parent showed at a bad grade, or even telling a parent that they want to live with them only. As a result, parents who fail to communicate end up mistrusting one another to an even more significant degree because they fail to recognize that the child is reporting false information in both households. 

Emotions may be running high between you and your former partner during a divorce, and it is natural to attempt to parent separately and reduce fighting. However, as contact becomes more manageable and you are able to safely interact with your soon to be ex-spouse, it can be easier to work cooperatively when it comes to scheduling and making big decisions. If you can work together this will also help your child ease into any new routines while still feeling a semblance of the stability they are used to. Here are some additional tips to help a child cope during this time:

Communicate Together

This may not be possible in every situation, but if you and your partner can inform your child about the divorce from a unified front, it is the best way to help prepare them for impending transitions. Either way, you should communicate what is happening as early as practicable. Kids are very in tune with their parents’ emotions, and they can detect potential strife even if you are doing your best to hide it. Rather than letting them draw their own conclusions about what may be wrong, calmly communicate with them by taking time to make sure they can ask any questions they may have.

Let Them Be Sad

It is very tempting to paint the divorce as a difficult, but happy situation. As an adult you are accustomed to making the best out of a bad situation, and it is most likely true that ending a bad partnership will benefit everyone in the long run. However, for your child this is an extremely sad, frustrating, and confusing time in their life. Encourage them to feel those big emotions so they can properly assess and come to terms with them on their own time.

Do Not Rely on Your Child for Support

You love your children, and this is a difficult time. It is natural to want to rely on them for emotional support, and you should do everything you can to ensure you are receiving the support you need – but not from your children. Draw strength from their love, but get your support from friends, other family members, and professional guidance if needed. Do not complain about your ex in front of the kids, and do not use children as a method to relay messages. Your children should be relying on you for support, not the other way around.

Set Structure

While moving back and forth between two parents and different household is stressful for a child, it can be less so if you ensure they have similar rules and expectations within both places. Work with your ex to set the same bedtimes, chores, and consequences for misbehavior. Additionally, do your best to not cancel or change plans at the last minute. Keeping routines will help your child adapt the best way possible to a changing lifestyle. If your child struggles with structure—such as an ADHD child—consider keeping transition periods to a minimum.

Encourage a Good Relationship with Both Parents

Your divorce may be bitter, and it will likely be difficult to view your ex in a positive light. However, children deserve to come through their parents’ divorce with both parental relationships intact. If your ex is committed to being a good-enough parent, do your best to view them solely as a fellow caretaker of the children you raised together and encourage their continued contributions to this important job. Children should never feel like they must choose between two parents or hide things from them. Ensure that your child does not feel as though they have to hide funny stories or happy experiences that they have with your ex. Eventually, the bitterness between the two of you will fade, and those funny stories that your children share with you will be your reward for having steered them through this difficult time with both parental relationships intact. 

Find a Good Counselor

If your child is reporting concerning things that are occurring in the other parent’s household—but those reports do not rise to the level of child abuse or neglect—consider getting your child into counseling with a qualified therapist.  First, the therapist can help provide your child with the tools to help them navigate the divorce and deal with their big feelings.  Second, the therapist will act as an impartial third party to whom your child can confide about how they feel about the changes they are going through without worrying about hurting either parent’s feelings.  They can tell the therapist what they really think about Mom’s new boyfriend or the fact Dad has refused to take them to their extracurricular activities during his periods of possession.  It may come out during counseling that the boyfriend is an asset in the child’s life and that the extracurricular activities aren’t as important to your child as they were when the child was younger.  Third, if something is going on at the other parent’s house that alarms the therapist, they can tell you and alert the authorities if necessary.  Even children who sail smoothly through their parents’ divorce should give counseling a try, if only to make them more likely to seek out counseling later as adults if faced with another life crisis.

Above all, do not be afraid to ask for help when needed. Ask your divorce attorney for references if you feel you could benefit from counseling or a peer support group. The more your take care of yourself and take responsibility to learn how to best navigate life, the more you will be able to give the same care to your children. If your child knows how much you care for them and are committed to always being a foundation for them, you are already heading in the appropriate direction to raising healthy and happy humans.

Jenkins & Kamin LLP cares about their clients and wants every stage of their divorce to go as smoothly and favorably as possible. They are committed to helping you throughout your case and beyond by providing resources and legal counseling to help you begin your new life in the best position.

Jenkins & Kamin LLP is noted for its “team” approach by pairing skilled attorneys, paralegals, and other support staff to enhance each client’s experience in difficult life transitions.

In addition to the “team” approach, Jenkins & Kamin LLP strives to personalize case strategies for each individual client, including identification of particular legal issues and effective explanation of the law concerning those issues. The firm endeavors to achieve a resolution that is appropriate for each client, while aggressively advocating on their behalf when necessary. Having a dedicated and experienced team working with you in any family law matter is of utmost importance to achieve the best result possible.

Jenkins & Kamin LLP represents clients in the following aspects of family law practice: Marital Property Agreements, Divorce, Complex Property Issues, Child Custody & Visitation, Child Support, Parentage, Modifications, Domestic Violence Issues, Family Law Appeals, and Dispute Resolution Alternatives. To learn more about the firm, visit http://www.jenkinskamin.com or contact one of the offices in the greater Houston area.